Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive

   First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?

   to you it's a 6 pack... to me.... it's a support group

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   According to planned parenthood we have a new Pope! Welcome Pope Smear. I personally would have voted for Pope Awheelie..

   Went trolling on a dating website. Caught 7 trolls...

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   under demonic possession until tomorrow when I tell her it's just not working out. .  

   anyone out there paying attention.... good.... carry on ... if ya happened to wake up at the end of this status go back to sleep .... ... it has little or no ethereal value anyway....

   Apparently this end of the world rapture thing is today, unfortunately I regret to inform you the 1124 fast track train to 'HELL' is delayed due to an earlier signal fault and over running engineering works, Oh well

   updated itunes, I don't think I need any tutorials on listening to music.

   doesn't care that she's bad at parking. The other cars are bad at swerving!

   Be honest with yourself, deep down inside, is there anyone of us that doesn't desperately want to be "dead last"?

   knows if I had a dollar for every time I heard about an evangelist slapping his daughter, I would have a Creflo Dollar.

   I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.

   The desire to roll around in mud while getting tasered and scraped by barbed wire early in the morning eludes me. It sounds like rough sex without the safe word. #NoThanks

   I participate in optional celibacy. Roughly translated: If I'm not interested in having sex with you, I claim to be celibate.

   When I get old, I want to be sent off on an iceberg to die. Mostly because good luck finding an iceberg in 50 years.

   just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.