Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got to live every week like it's shark week.

   thinks mother nature is bi-polar and is off her meds!!

   I absolutetly love drinking water... too bad they don't mention the ingredients on the bottle I'd like to make some at home...

   My mom used to say I'm wasting my life playing video games. Then I thought "no sweat, I've got 2 more lives."

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   finds is dam funny that Chris Brown sang the American anthem at one of the biggest boxing matches in 5 years...

   make sure your wearing Deodorant when you reaching for the stars.

   wishes you were an Etch and Sketch. I'd shake the sh!t out of you and watch you disappear.

   might be bright out 2 day.. I'll probably be squinting like a Chilean miner...

   Its 1:40 am....do you know where your girlfriend is? Um......neither do I. But I'm sure she is in good hands.

   if you know Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, then isn't it a really dumb question to ask if you know the MOST famous reindeer of them all

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   finds it sad that the Who's hit single, "Who Are You," has a whole new meaning -- Alzheimers

   When you don't know what to say: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

   If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of

   wondering if IHOP is going to sue Apple for copyright infringement?

   A terrorist attack killing thousands, a car wreck killing two. Nice try britboy

   There's nothing worse than getting crop dusted by the gay guy at work on a Monday morning...

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   I ran into a women at the grocery store. She was wearing a tshirt with the word GUESS written across the front. I said 34C. My face still hurts.