Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove

   Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   eerie parallel ... in Cast Away, Tom Hanks was stranded on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company ... now, Tom Hanks in is quarantine on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company.

   can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

   Fake Christian below.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   Happy Mothers Day, the day after