Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   My favorite Christmas song is whichever one comes on right after Feliz Navidad.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove

   Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.