Snotty Funny Status Messages

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: If you stamp on Trump's foot,, his hair pops straight up like a trash can lid.

   I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?

   Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25