Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   My laundry detergent was swept out to sea by a fast moving current. R.I.P. Tide

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   You know. The world would be a happier place if everyone had the same sense of humor as the guy who named his supermarket chain Piggly Wiggly.

   I can't really Walk the Walk or Talk the Talk, but if you need someone to Drink the Drink then I'm your guy.

   No one ever boycotted my beans! - George W. Büsh

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   To end the coin storage let us all join together as a nation and dig into our couch cushions where we all should be sitting to help end the Coronavirus.

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Rememeber your vote does not count if you do not post it on social media.

   If you thought 2020 was bad, wait until 2021 when it's old enough to drink.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛

   Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.