Funny Status Messages

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   No Woman will take over my life again,,,,,whats that, be right there honey.!

   Apparently Jared was also fond of the occasional 2 inch sub.

   What is an Ariana Grande? A drink from Starbucks?

   HER: ''You never listen to me!'' HIM: ''Of course they will!''

   The grass is green where you water it.

   My wife's cooking is so bad she set off the neighbors smoke alarm!

   I'm collecting Canadian followers, in case I have to cross the border unexpectedly,,

   if 50 cents had a nickle for every bankruptcy joke

   The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   It's easy to pick out Charlie Sheen's kid in school. He's the only kid who crushes and snorts his Flintstone's chewable vitamins.

   I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.

   I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.

   I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!