Funny Status Messages

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

   I drink to make other people interesting...

   wonderong how long you should wait before you should tell a highway it's adopted

   You looked good until you said something stupid!!!

   Im better at sex than anyone; now all I need is a partner.

   If I were to go to hell, it would take at least a week to realize I wasn't at work.

   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

   Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

   Have you ever noticed that Octo Mom; Nadya Suleman's mought looks and acts like the Jokers mouth from The Dark Knight -- Batman?

   On Facebook I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry... when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

   at the circus watching a guy shoot out of a cannon. I thought, "Half of me wants to do that sometime.". Then I thought, "Half of me already did do that the day I was conceived!"

   One day you're going to look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

   I enjoy working out at the gym. It helps me to know that other people are suffering with me!

   Let's chug on down to Mambie-Pambie Land where we can MAYBE get you some Self-Confidence.... YOU JackWagon!!! (TISSUE??)

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   Went to a restaurant... the drinks waiter gave me drinks, the food waiter gave me food. ... then the Head waiter came over....