Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sharkweek is over, jackass. Humming the theme song to 'Jaws' when the boss is approaching our aisle is no longer funny.

   1/20/13 The End Of An Error

   Women do NOT sleep when we guys go out at night, it's like TV you switch it off and it stays on stand-by!

   doesn't believe you should get so caught up in avoiding lightning, that you miss the storm...

   it's friday the 13th and storming. Not gonna lie, I'm half expecting Jason to come knocking on my door...

   would like very much to learn the swear words of every language......fun!

   JaMarcus Russell has admitted failing a drug test. It's all explained in his new book "Eat Pray Eat Love Eat Chug Purple Drank Eat".

   Mom: With always having to pick up after you kids you'd think I'd be skinny. Kid: Just think how big you'd be if you didn't...

   more awesome than The Miz.

   Just found a real nice cardboard box outside my work... I think I'll quit my job and move in....

   lost my teddy bear.. Will you sleep with me?

   Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder !!

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.

   watching reruns of the Biggest Loser and eating a bag of Oreos.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   lets play...." I hope thats chocolate"..

   i think when "the old fashioned" was invented, it was probably called "the new fangled"

   the taser is a perfect law enforcement tool. the lovechild of the nightstick, the pistol, and the car battery

   Suggested cough medicine flavor: gazpacho.

   I'll never have one of those cathartic cries. I'll just let it out in bits during sports montages.