life Funny Status Messages

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.

   My life coach just benched me.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."

   I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.

   I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.