Funny Status Messages

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   God: What are they doing? Satan: Getting drunk. I made alcohol. God: *slams fist on table* That looks like too much fun! *creates hangovers*

   My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.

   The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

   Women: The prettiest flowers in God's garden.

   I just want to thank all the great people in the USA for electing such a great man like Barack Obama. Ever since he got elected there's been so much change. Facebook's layout got changed like 2 times!! Thats impressive!

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was fu*king her sister.

   Since when do Catholics care about contraception? Alter boys can't get pregnant..

   Shut up unless you want your next period to come out through your nose.

   Saw my Sri Lankan friends slurping tea out of a saucer this morning. When I asked why, they said because the Indians took the cup :D

   Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

   If I'm winning, stop the count. If I'm losing, Keep counting until I win. Makes sense, don't ya think?

   I hate when girls photoshop their pictures so much that black girls are actually white!

   Cinco De Mayo, the only day Mexicans are glad they are Mexican and celebrate for a country they were so eager to leave. So since if you aren't a Mexican today just drink like one!!!

   sure Trump may not be the best looking President, but we will have the hottest first lady ever

   Feels sorry for skinny people, I know this girl who is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower just to get wet....

   WOW!! Apparently Osama is dead and it had to happen during Obama's campaign year for the 2012 president.....oh, and they dumped his body in the ocean 2 HOURS after he died.............coincidence???? I think not!!!

   I bought a Joe B¡den watch on QVC. I has liver spotted hands and is running out of time.

   Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from UrAnus