Funny Status Messages

   If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.

   No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!

   I need a meeting with Zuckerberg cause I don't get enough "likes"

   New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.

   US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!

   "The Russians ate my homework" - High school Hillary

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   Science....because the answer never turned out to be magic. Ever.

   Bernie Sanders just used your $27 donations to buy himself a new summer home

   Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.

   Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.

   Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.

   Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULlcrap.

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.