Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you let people judge you, then how would you know what is your greatest limit?

   would like to thank maury povich for letting so many know if they are the father and can celebrate this day

   We were given the go-ahead to wear Packers stuff to work this week... I wonder how long I'll be able to get away with a pair of jeans and green and gold body paint on the rest of me with a beer can hat...

   Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

   If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter

   C.L.A.S.S. -Come Late And Start Socializing

   whatever happened to Rodney Allen Rippy? I loved that kid.

   I'm going to reserve judgement on the Super Committee until I see them in their costumes........

   My boss asked me if I was trying to give him a heart attack, I'm guessing by my smug smile and walk off he got his answer.

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   Lil Wayne will not be upstaged by the Carter/Knowles clan tonight. When he brings Drake out to announce Drakes pregnant by him.

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."

   Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.

   A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!

   Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo