Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   “Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

   Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold