Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"

   so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats

   If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.

   I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?

   I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.