Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   so many disposable cameras

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   You don't really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you are there standing

   spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

   A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. At my desk at work I have a work station.

   There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   "Alexa, Get me a divorce."

   Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide. He led me right to the Vodka. Total Mind Reader!!!