Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.

   Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.

   Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

   Please remember that daylight savings is in one month so you can complain about it on Facebook.

   Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   so many disposable cameras

   1) You'll get mauled. 2) You'll get gored. 3) You'll get eaten. The “reasons” why you can’t have a bear, a bison, or a wolf.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!