Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm tired...will you carry me to bed?

   's misery likes tequila, not company.

   wondering what they are saying behind my back

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.

   Interesting idea, Ice Cube should change his name to Soft Drink.

   Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.

   So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!

   S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.

   Just a friendly reminder for Canada Day and Independence Day, fireworks look way more amazing when you're not constantly checking your iPhone.

   .... The Manchurian Candidates that have been offered under the Liberal banner are the Useful Idiots that Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin spoke of to overthrow their opponents.

   Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.

   Hmmm, we didn't have all this craziness when people were allowed to smoke anywhere.......

   Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.

   I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.

   We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to "catch them all".

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold