Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?

   I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?

   That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   Casey #notguilty is like saying, I havn't eaten in the past week, when I ate a sandwitch 30 mins. ago..

   would be very surprised if some of my friends were missing tomorrow

   Ok , rapture already! Take me an leave Beiber, or vice versa, whatever !

   Feels sorry for the astronauts on the space station. If the world ends who will bring them supplies?

   Men see what women do, but they never know what women think while they are doing it.

   and the #1 reason a beer is better than a woman.....Its a beer!

   Happy Groundhogs Day. No way Phil is coming out of his hole today.....

   listening to Carole King tell him that she feels the Earth move under her feet and that it has something to do with when I'm around......does that mean she thinks I'm fat?

   Attention fuels immaturity.

   Bartering goods for sex is prostitution but today its ok? Happy Valentine's Day!!!

   in the same place he was 10 minutes ago.

   Lindsey Lohan wants to work again. The community service over all ready?