Funny Status Messages

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   I would walk over Legos for you.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.

   Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.

   Click like if you think it's a pain in the @ss when livejasmin pops up and disturbs in the middle of everything

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.