Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All sitcoms make me realize is that my group of friends don't have nearly as much sex as they should.

   If you don’t pretend you’re thanking polite ghosts every time you walk through automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.

   Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.

   Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.

   I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.

   Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.

   My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into THAT propeller blade.

   The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!

   Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....

   Who is this Feat. person and why does he appear on so many songs?

   I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.

   Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.

   Just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.

   "I bet Lionel Richie was easy every damn day..." And other thoughts that keep me awake at night.

   Got so bored at work today I actually started doing my job!!!

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!