Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Neighbors state that old McDonald "had" a farm and the last time anyone saw him he was screaming vowels into the air. Back to you, Jen.

   National meatball day. A day in the honor of David Dennison

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   I can't run from my problems because I am out of shape.

   Breaking News -- Family Guy's Quagmire loosely based on a young Bill Crosby.

   Worst Wedding Processional Song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?