Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.