Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   Whats the Canadian National Anthem again?

   I guess alot of people woke up on the wrong side of the wall today

   OK WHO NEEDS MOVING BOXES?

   Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,