Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott

   Aswe end week 2 of the lockdown, I wonder if OsamaBinLadin stuck in his house with 3 wives n kids decided to call in those Navy Seal himself

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.