Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handling a big tool.

   Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places, take the brothel for instance.

   So did anyone ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what?

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   had four E's and LSD last night, Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

   sleeping on the bottom bunk when I was younger wasn't easy.....Its hard to sleep with a raincoat on.

   Just because I don't agree with your crazy-eyed opinion, does NOT mean I am "uninformed". Maybe you are "mis-informed".

   I can't decide what to swear today.

   If you didn't do anything wrong, then why do you look as nervous as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese?!

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

   s friends think that i'm crazy...pft...i just thought the postbox needed a hug

   Friends don't let friends take home ugly broads...

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   Goodbye doesn't mean 'forever'. That's why I'll make you swallow the 'BYE' and give the 'GOOD' to me again.

   Another fun fact .... Economic growth under President Reagan was almost DOUBLE what it is under the Obama Presidency .... Or as the Democrats like to call the Reagan Economy ..... a Failed Economy.

   I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.

   my way of gun control is standing mine in the corner and making it stand there till I need it again

   Haha I can see it now "pot stamps" for people that can't afford to buy their pot.