life Funny Status Messages

   The Amazing Spiderman was good but they didn't cover the part in his life where he co-founded Facebook...I assume that will be in the sequel...

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   Whenever I see someone I don't know wearing what look like pajamas in public I always wonder, have they completely given up on life or are they living it to the fullest!?

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

   A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.