Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues. 
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~
Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU
I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company
No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today
wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead
Just saw a text "I hate Ben Stein" and now I love him even more
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more
After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.
If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.
I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.
why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?
When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.
Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters
I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!
Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!
That's it, After tomorrow at noon, I will be taking the rest of the year off.
I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't? 