Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...

   A wise man once told me, "Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instantly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut

   Going thru my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

   My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

   i would not pray for you, nut below

   This status is brought to you today by the neighbor's router.

   Norwegian Cruises are offering buy 1 week get 2 free. Use promo code "CORONA"

   I'd rather be quarantined with my family than with the finest people in the world.

   I bet people's pets are just loving this quarantine

   YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID -Kids

   The below post, I checked on his Twitter page. Now I see why he's this stupid. SMH.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the place.

   Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework