Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

   Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?

   Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   The problem with being young is sometimes we don't stop to think, the problem with getter older is sometimes we forget what we were thinking about.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"