Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Aside from “life is short,” what other spurts of insanity do you use before making bad decisions?

   When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.

   Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Mike Hunt is itchy

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   Got a new book, “How to make gasoline at home.”

   The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.