Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.