JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   A plumber's job can draining.

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   If you were born in september. There a good chance your parents started the new year with a bang.

   The cemical formula for holly water: H2 OMG

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   when the river runs red, take the dirt road...

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.