Funny Status Messages

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.

   They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot