Funny Status Messages
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Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty quick.lol 
I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.
Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?
Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.
if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.
I rather be tired from working than to be broke.
You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.
A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.
People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.
I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.
My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues
I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.
Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets
At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store 