Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....

   If you want to save some money, now might be a good opportunity to tell your kids that Santa did not survive the pandemic

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps