JAKE Funny Status Messages

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   don't drink and drive, you could spill the beer in your car.

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.