Funny Status Messages

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis