Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   Heading to WcDonald's for a Big Wac

   Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

   Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire

   Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision

   1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.

   A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships