Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   Your p0sts make me wish I couldn't read.

   Love fades....bacon is forever!

   I'm not lazy. I just absolutely, passionately, wholeheartedly enjoy doing nothing.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   can't believe the crazy things people do while driving. Lady in the car next to me is texting while driving! I nearly dropped my beer when I saw that!

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   once upon at time a prince asked a princess to marry him. The princess said no and the prince lived happily ever after. The end

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the coc$.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies