Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.