Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉

   tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country

   You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan

   I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   "If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   Good Morning Inmates

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....