Funny Status Messages

   DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time.

   I keep thinking about Shane from "The Walking Dead" telling Rick that "it all started with a few weird news reports."

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.

   When I was a younger man girls used to "check me out". Now women just "keep an eye on me"

   I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Why is it you never see people checking in at the adult toy store?

   My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!

   So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?

   It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.

   FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"

   I want to be a stay at home dad... minus the kids.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart

   Everyone "shares" on occasion, but the self proclaimed Great one should be arrested for grand theft.