Funny Status Messages

   "Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer

   Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes...

   A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...