life Funny Status Messages

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   Now only if my real life friends could learn to be as cool and funny as my Facebook friends, then I wouldn't have a reason to be on Facebook.

   Life is hell when you're sober.

   August 2: the date when the federal government is forecast to hit the debt limit and see all new loans cut off. Falls during "Simplify Your Life Week." Really?

   Life gives guys a lot of lemons, but life gives girls a set of melons.

   If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

   A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life

   I need a Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

   - You know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA.

   Dam you rapture this is exactly as my last crapy life..guess I'm in hell..!!!

   A life worth living shouldn't be wasted on a life spent wanting....

   Middle finger up to my old life.

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕