Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   You unfriended me on Facebook because I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday on FB? That's a little harsh Mom.

   You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   If somebody just joined Facebook now either their 10 year prison stint is over or they're newly separated.

   My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal pound for pound.

   By the time I get all these condoms unwrapped I had absolutely no interest in making balloon animals.

   Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.