Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   My paperless origami business folded.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   "Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.

   Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .

   Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.