Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

   My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi

   To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.

   At the time getting into a relationship seemed like a good idea... but then again so did getting on the Titanic

   Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms should be a Convenience Store; not a government agency.

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   hy do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There's like 10 women to each man and they're already there looking for things they don't need.

   OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.

   I remember how it felt so good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.

   May the guy who invented SpellCheck burn in Hello

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.

   in 1964 the wage was 5 silver quarters. Today 5 silver quarters are worth $15.50. We dont need to raise the wage, but to fix our money.

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.

   leave it to Hugh Hefner to die on hump day

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me