Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitos.

   Military coup in Turkey. Terrorism in France. Massacre in Dallas. "Day Of Rage" across the US. Ghostbusters remake in theaters. I want to move....to a different planet.

   Darwin would praise Pokemon Go for weeding out the weak links.

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   Always the bridesmaid never The Batman.

   Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   According to Facebook, Jaden Smith has committed suicide 11 times in the last week.

   Heading out for a weekend camping trip. Anybody know the WiFi password for "the woods"?

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.

   Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."

   The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.