Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   I know two wrongs doesn't make a right, but I'm determined to find out just how many wrongs will.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   I am used but in good condition

   Darthvader should of been made to pay back dated child support for Luke!

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   Look at it this way... If Walmart didn't exist, those people could shop ANYWHERE.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   No one wants to work. Work sucks, it's just that eating thing we all like to do

   thinks someone needs to falcon punch Gucci Mane in his ice cream loving face...

   googling for Honest Politicians but the search keeps coming as "0" search found.

   was considering divorcing my wife today, as she hasn't spoken to me in 4 months, a friend told me to reconsider as women like this are very hard to find

   If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....