Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   People up north whine way more about cold winters than we Floridians do about the hot summers. It may have something to do with feminine swimwear.

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at the same time.

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   You used to be able to somewhat cross the line. Nowadays, you can't come anywhere near the line. You used to be able to somewhat push the envelope. Nowadays you'd better pull back the envelope.

   The Irish River Dance was started by a family that had 11 kids but only 1 bathroom.

   Taco Bell is the only place where you can still get gas for $1.39.

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   What they need in Afghanistan is Larry the Kabul Guy. He'd git 'er done.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   Bike Week is here at Daytona Beach. It's noisy and crazy! Speaking of noisy and crazy, next week is Tyke Week. It's a bunch of 5 year olds on Big Wheels driving on A1A hounding their moms for grilled cheese and putt putt golf.

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.